The United States of Dinosauria

A billion years in the future, the world will, again, look very different. Humans will be gone. Dinosaurs will be back.

President of the newly formed United States of Dinosauria: Let it be noted in the record that I, President Pterry, first president of the new republic henceforth known as the United States of Dinosauria, call to order the fifth meeting of my Cabinet. Welcome, Secretaries. Time is short today, so let’s get right down to business. Secretary of Education, you wish to begin.

Secretary of Education, Interior, and Transportation: An area of pressing concern in my department is the No Dinosaur Left Behind Act. The last time we migrated, a few dinosaurs were still left behind.

Secretary of Defense, State, and Homeland Security Rex: (Burps) I went back and looked for them. I swear, they just, er, vanished.

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Secretary of Education: Mr. Secretary Rex, why do you have a child with you?
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Secretary of Defense Rex: You’d think the Secretary of Education would know this is Bring Your Daughters to Work Day.

Secretary of Energy and Treasury: I don’t mean to be rude, but I do have another meeting scheduled. I wanted to report that I’m working on that solar panel thing.

Secretary of Agriculture, Health, and Dinosaur Services: By my estimate, we have about 3 months of food left before we’ll have to move on.
Secretary of Defense Rex: Your kind eats so damned much every day!

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Secretary of Agriculture: MY KIND???
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Secretary of Education: Now, now, we’re all dinosaurs here. (Under breath) Except for the flying reptile.

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President Pterry: All dinosaurs are created equal as it says in our sacred founding documents.

Secretary of Energy: Some are more equal than others.
Secretary of Defense Rex: And some have a brain the size of a walnut.
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Secretary of Energy: Excuse me, but TWO brains.
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Secretary of Defense Rex: You call a nerve cluster in your ass a second brain? Figures.
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President Pterry: Enough now. We’ve got serious problems with the Hadrosaurs. They have failed to ratify the new Constitution. They are insisting on adding amendments to guarantee their rights.

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Secretary of Defense Rex: (Snorts) What rights does a herd of cows need? The way I see it, there are two kinds of dinosaurs….

President Pterry: Bird-hipped and lizard-hipped?

Secretary of Defense Rex: No. Really? But no, I was thinking carnivore and herbivore….

Secretary of Energy: (sighs) Here we go again….

Secretary of Defense Rex: Hey! It’s a big thing to my people! You think it’s easy to find the meat we need when your neighbors are off-limits and these huge-ass vegetarians are stomping around the woods stripping them bare? How would you like to look your little one in the eye and say, “No, Daddy says you can’t eat the baby triceratops,” when everything in your body is crying out for….

Secretary of Education: HEY!

Secretary of Defense Rex: (Mutters) That’s good eatin’, too….

Secretary of Education: Yeah, well, eat this. I got 3 horns with your name on all of ‘em, pal.

President Pterry: Okay, okay, enough again. What we need is a compromise.

Secretary of Defense Rex: You could offer sacrifices. I’m just sayin’!

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Secretary of Education: We are a DEMOCRACY!

Secretary of Defense Rex: Well, maybe that works for you, but we meat eaters are the ones doing all the compromising in this here DEMOCRACY of yours….

Secretary of Education: Your idea of democracy is eating the rest of us? Unbelievable.

Secretary of Defense Rex: Let the market forces decide….

Secretary of Energy: Once again, you are confusing a political system with an economic system….

Secretary of Defense Rex: Is that your butt brain talking?

President Pterry: SILENCE! Please. Let’s move on. The maiasaura are concerned about childcare.

Secretary of Defense Rex: Tell ‘em to stay home and take care of their children. Problem solved. They’re not called the good mother dinos for nothing. NEXT!

Secretary of Education: Can we get back to the dinos left behind?

Secretary of Defense Rex: I say if they can’t keep up, to hell with them. (Licks his chops and drools, eyes gleaming).

Silence falls over the meeting.

President Pterry finally speaks, quietly: I believe we have just reached a compromise.

Silence again.

Secretary of Education: Look at the time. Where does it go?

Secretary of Energy: I do have that other meeting to get to….

Secretary of Defense: I think somebody has to go pee-pee now….

President Pterry: Meeting adjourned.