20060406

I'sa Happy Hick

(Note: The following post is rate PI for Politically Incorrect. It contains images and ideas that may be offensive to hicks, hillbillies, or rednecks. If you are a hick, hillbilly, or redneck, and you recognize yourself in one of the characters in today's performance, for CRYING OUT LOUD, keep that to yourself! Don't ADMIT it!)

I’sa happy hick. Whassat? I oughta not use 'at word, hick? Let me tell you, I embarrass 'at word…. Er, whassat, Britney Mae? Embrace? You shore? Okay, then, I embrace 'at word. (Britney Mae done finished high school last week; she knows a thang or two about words and what they mean n all 'at). So, Ima hick! Ain’t no shame innit! Got me a good truck. Got me a nice mullet. Look like a country sanger. Wooooo hoooooo! Yea-yah!
Got me a dog to ride in the backa dat truck. He ain’t none too smart. I call him Demmy-crat. Dem for short. Bwwwa haha ha ha. Wooo-doggies!
Got me a purty little wife. Got a bun in the oven. Bought her a used van, haul around all them youngins we plan on havin’. Ha ha ha. Gets about 5 or 6 mile to the gallon, but that’s okay. Once them Demmy-crats gets one o their own elected president, them gas prices gonna come down. You wait n see. It’s a plot again the Preznit, is all. Besides, Britney Mae done learned at church that sometimes when them oil wells dries up, they fill right back up with oil. The lord will take care o us 'at way. Sides, them damn tree huggers get outta da way, they's a ton a oil up there in Alaska.
Notice Britney Mae is a WOMAN and I is a MAN. Because that is the way it is supposed ter be. Marriage is between a MAN and WOMAN. Says so inna bible, and Britney Mae go to church every Sunday, so she know about them things, too. Marriage is sacred. Now, that's a word I knowed well--sacred.
Got me a little sweet tatie on the side, too, but don’t y’all be telling Britney Mae ‘bout that. Heh heh. What she don’ know ain’t gonna hurt her none. Man’s got needs, you know. Needs and rights.
Got a weird neighbor I hate, though. He’s a fireman, which is the only thing that keeps him from dyin’ o lead poisoning. Hee hee. Coz I might pump his ass full o lead! HA! I think he might be a lil bit funny. Ain’t natural. Ain’t right. Now them types like him wantin’ same rights as Britney Mae n me, but I said marriage sacred, for men and women only. Can’t be cheap…cheap’n…cheap’nin’ marriage now.
Finally got us a house. Fixer upper. Shore worry about dat capital gains tax, though. Why we gotta keep votin’ Republican. Demmy-crats take ever damn thing we got 'fore we know it!
But, at the end of the week, it’s all good. Got my Nascar on the satellite TV. Get me a cold one. Sit in my big ol’ chair. King of my castle. WOOO HOOOO! Don’t git no better n this!
Be careful them liberal Demmy-crats don' take it all away!

Wooooo hoooooo! Yea-yah!
*
by Julian Blue

23 Comments:

Blogger Granny said...

His family tree does not fork.

That's from Jeff Foxworthy, not I.

Funny post to be expected of the person from Hell, MO.

8:04 AM  
Blogger DA said...

Reckon Imma gonna get mself a cold one too..

Too funny!

8:22 AM  
Blogger Foo said...

I was distracted from the story by your use of the word 'hicks'. I thought you guys called 'em 'hoosiers'?

10:42 AM  
Blogger Progressive Traditionalist said...

Some fancy overalls that there feller got.
No wonder he's so happy.

11:05 AM  
Blogger JBlue said...

Yes, Gran, I know whereof I speak.

DA, you have hicks in the Netherlands who talk like American hicks? Or have you just been studying up? Also, funny as in spit soda on the computer or not quite?

Foo, I think "hoosiers" is what hicks call other hicks.

PT, he's stylin' (he thinks).

Thanks, all.

11:15 AM  
Blogger JBlue said...

I stand corrected!

Mr. Pink works with two hicks, and one refers to himself as a "hillbilly" and the other calls himself "redneck." But I did hear a hick say "hoosier" the other day....

Anyway, if you need me, I'll be out standing corrected.

11:37 AM  
Blogger Granny said...

I thought hoosiers were from Indiana.

8:38 PM  
Blogger Gary said...

Damn girl! You got me laughin and hollerin so hard, I jest about spewed my Bud outta my nose. I think I'm gonna get me a 6 pack outta the cooler on the back porch and drink till I'm ready to write a love pome to Britney Mae.

8:50 PM  
Blogger JBlue said...

Gary, you write a love pome to B.M., you'd better SHARE!

Gran, I think those are a different kind of Hoosiers. They're capital H. ???

9:10 PM  
Blogger Badoozie said...

well, you out not to o'kilt ma brother. i's yer boy. yer oldest boy. names carl.

10:16 PM  
Blogger Gary said...

Ode to BM

Britney Mae, you are ma light 'n
I want to squeeze ya tight
In the back of mah pick up
Doin the dirty the whole dang night.

I know fer shure yer no damn fool
Cause yer a grad from Hoosier School

Yep, yer the gal fer me
fer now till eternity - maybe longer!

Jesus luvs you ma little gal
but not as much as me...
I's always gonna be yer pal!

11:33 PM  
Blogger JBlue said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:17 AM  
Blogger kc said...

Hey, that guy lives across the street from me . . .

8:19 AM  
Blogger JBlue said...

Gary, that's...nice. Yes, very nice. And earthy. I think it's just the kind of thing to turn Britney Mae's head. I was impressed by the early employment of an aaba rhyme scheme. Clearly, the alcohol had only started to take effect at that point. That is when I do my best writing, too.

I wanted to write pome in response:

Britney and Cletus sitting in a truck
That is the place where....

Never mind.

8:22 AM  
Blogger JBlue said...

KC, you stay away from that guy now!

9:18 AM  
Blogger creature said...

:) :)

9:56 AM  
Blogger Progressive Traditionalist said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:21 AM  
Blogger JBlue said...

PT, I like the way you worked in a comparison (to the buck) and created a vivid image for your reader. You make good use of specific examples, as well. Like how she doesn't stink much. That's good.

You can see why our producers love Britney Mae and want to keep that character.

10:07 AM  
Blogger Gary said...

I think PT was into the sauce too. Ms Jublu - you are an insightful critic.

And I had a dream about Britney Mae last night...

10:04 PM  
Blogger JBlue said...

You want to encourage me? Okay. Gary, you seemed ready to start with a quite traditional rhyme scheme in that poem, but then you quickly turned the reader's expectations upside down by breaking into a series of couplets. I expected heroic couplets, but once again, you defied tradition. Then you ended with a unique twist....

Enough of that, huh?

There's something about that Britney Mae. Charisma? That pregnant belly and those bare feet?

11:48 AM  
Blogger Kathleen Callon said...

Wish I had come by here earlier. Your posts are hysterical.

Ever here of the blogger Philbert Suggs? He'd be perfect in your "I's a Hick".

Happy Earth Day.

2:39 PM  
Blogger JBlue said...

Kathleen, you mean Philbert Suggs could play the role of Cletus?

4:12 PM  
Blogger JBlue said...

Oh, and thanks AND welcome, Kathleen.

4:13 PM  

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