I was a happy wizard...

...living in a really cool tower I built myself.

Then, one day, nasty pirates, led by a bossy 7 year-old, sailed into Phantom Bay and kidnapped my ugly daughter and me. Phantom Bay is very treacherous, what with all the wreckage of ruined castles floating about, as you can see in this photo, but that didn't stop these enterprising pirates.

My powerful neighbor, Lord Dragomont (a 4 year-old with a vacillating disposition and frequent flatulence) did not come to my aid. Woe is me.

When I would not swear to serve them with my magical powers, the nasty pirates forced my ugly daughter to walk the plank. Still, I held fast. I'm brave like that. (That's me in the background, the handsome one with the flowing white locks and luxurious beard. I recommend the conditioners with ylang-ylang.)

At night, there was only a skeleton crew. Fortunately, they were very stupid. I convinced them to let me have my magic wand (I promised to cast a hair-growing spell on them. Ha ha!), whereupon I was able to free myself. Go me!

I am so glad to be back in my tower. Bummer about my ugly daughter, though. Fecking pirates!