Audition for Happy Hillbillies

At first, auditions to replace the actor playing Cletus in our newest production, I’sa Happy Hick (which will henceforth become Happy Hillbillies) didn’t go all that well, and we were somewhat discouraged. But Mama always said things have a way of working out (she was right about that AND about the blue eye shadow, which DOES look cheap and tawdry).

Here is a photo diary of that agonizing process.

We loved Shaggy. However, Shaggy is too high profile for this assignment. We want people to look at the character and see “Cletus,” not the famous sloppy hippy who would do anything for a Scooby Snack. Still, we adored him in the audition and decided to make room for him in the cast of characters. Shaggy will play Cletus’s not-so-bright comic sidekick who will do anything for a Stag beer. We’re working on the name. Nothing specific comes to mind, but we want it to be two names, like Ed Earl or Billy Earl.

This guy just has a back-alley urban look that doesn’t fit the part. Also, he and Britney Mae (whom the producers and the target audience love) definitely make an odd couple. He looks too old and too rough for her. We could have him back in a recurring guest role and the crabby trash truck driver/owner who gets into hilarious laugh-track enhanced arguments with Britney Mae about hauling off couches and such. They'll zing each other and so on. Like Roseanne and that gay guy on her show (she worked for him, then he later worked for her....)
The only problem with this guy is his back muscles are so overdeveloped, he cannot hold his head up straight. Also, his head seems rather smallish. He and Britney Mae did screen test together well. The chemistry was nauseat… sparkling between them. In fact, we had to hose her off twice. In addition, THAT is the costume he insisted upon wearing. I mean, we're not filming a male nipple movie here! (To quote the famous Owen Meany). Who do you think you are, overdeveloped muscle guy? Charlton Heston? As if!
Sigh. Why do agents insist on sending clients to these casting calls when they obviously are the WRONG TYPE? It is such a waste of time! Yet, we have to let him audition, according to the Toy Actors’ Guild (TAG). We don’t have to hire him.

I am so tired of these illegal aliens popping up everywhere! (For those of you who think you have seen illegal aliens and are routinely mistaking humans for them, THIS is what they look like. These lazy beggars will NOT sweep the food court at your mall for $6.00 an hour!) Oh, no, it's showbiz for these little hams.

At first, this guy seemed all wrong. That’s the power of the three-piece suit. However, once we got the idea to put him in a mullet and got the following shot, we knew we had our man!

Yeah? Yeah? It’s ACTING, after all. We’ll put a pair of bib overalls on him, have him grow a little chin stubble. Get a dialogue coach to work with him.

None of it’s real, you know. Cletus isn’t real. Britney Mae isn’t real. Jon Boy Walton isn’t real (oh, you didn’t know about Jon Boy? Sorry. Yeah, I was bummed when I found out, too).

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by Julian Blue