20060518

I was a happy political pundit

I was a happy conservative commentator. You've probably heard of me. Jan Cooter? I was a political pundit for fabulous Faux News. I made those amoral liberals wish they’d never been born. I had a tongue like a razor strap and a mind like a …really sharp thing. Bleeding hearts? Ha. Bleeding psyches when my day was done.

You've most likely read my books:

The Liberal Democratic President is a Sexual Deviant and Scumbag

Or

The Liberal Democratic President Masturbates in a Closet in the Whitehouse While Watching Animal Porn While You Foot the Bill

Or

The Liberal Democratic President Is Guilty of Every Carnal Sin Ever Conceived of By Mankind

Or

The Liberal Democratic President Should Be Executed for Treason

Or my newest book:

Only America-Hating, Liberal Gay Bastards and the Hirsute Women Who Secretly Desire Them Speak Ill of the Republican President

My books were a smashing success. I ruled the charts (in Mississippi). I embarked on a strenuous tour of the Bible Belt. Every magazine with me on the cover sold in the triple digits (at Nascar events). I got steamy letters from men like this.

Then one day, it ended.

Some bastard liberal, pinko-commie America-hating, Bush-bashing, Africa-loving, gay-agendized journalist (and I use that latter term loosely. In my view, real journalists use the free speech God gave them to support America!) found this picture of me in my college years with a certain dictator from the middle east.

Oh, I tried to deny it. “Look at the hair color,” I said. “So not me.” But it was me. The dictator testified to it in court. (That was the only thing the old fart ever admitted, damn him.)

Now, Faux News won’t even let me sweep up. The last people who tried to book me for a speaking engagement were the Activists for Reviving Apartheid Now (ARAN), and they only offered me $30 and a room at Motel 6.

I feel so cheap. I mean, where is the president, the administration? I practically prostituted myself for you! And where are the Faux guys? I bared my arms and legs for you! Where are the Nascar dads? (Actually, keep those sweaty, mulleted bastards away from me, will you?).

Woe is me.
*
(P.S. If anybody out there could, like, introduce me to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, contact me here.

8 Comments:

Blogger Gary said...

Oh Jan... I feel so sorry for you. You have been treated so badly and why? For simply being intelligent, beautiful and for telling the truth the way no liberal wants to hear it.

I can't introduce you to Ahmadinejad, but if you give me your private address, confidential cell phone number and your bank account details - I think I can line up some guys you'll really appreciate. Each one of these hunks is a dictator and has facial hair. It'll be our little secret.

In admiration

4:53 PM  
Blogger Granny said...

Gary, you've just outdone yourself.

Ever thought of making a living in the spam business?

11:35 PM  
Blogger Alice said...

Ah, the follies of youth...

Jan, darling, I know this stings, but you knew, darling, didn't you - you knew that your dirty little secret would catch up with you in the end.

Now then dear, you know what you have to do. So shake yourself out, take a deep breath, hold your head up high, and hop it down to your local supermarket. I'm sure they'll be more than happy to help you with your employment woes.

...Not Tesco's though; they'll only employ you if you're Polish and in the country illegally.

I'd go with Walmart.

2:22 AM  
Blogger Tina said...

Dear Ann,
I'm not 100% certain, but I think crazy Mahmoud does not dig on chicks with dicks. Again, not 100% certain... but I'm willing to bet he'd figure out what was up when he would see it duct taped to your thigh.

Love,
Hannity

P.S. Please come by my dressing room to pick up the book you left there entitled: "How to Shrink that Engorged Adam's Apple... One Woman's Quest to Shed those Man Hands."
colmes is starting to ask questions.

2:25 AM  
Blogger creature said...

Bravo!

11:50 AM  
Blogger JBlue said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:54 PM  
Blogger JBlue said...

Dear Hannity, that IS Colmes' book, I believe. He wants it back but doesn't want you to know it's his. What a weasel.

Ann

12:55 PM  
Blogger Progressive Traditionalist said...

Reviewing this (belatedly), I am intrigued by the phenomenon of Hicks & Hillbillies naturally devolving into Faux news.

Incredible, but there might be something to this.

8:29 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home